Friday, July 1, 2011

Pizza and Breadstix

Alright so like usual... i have a few good days then a terrible night that makes all the work i put forward simply fade and show no results. Am i the only one who does this? Its rediculous and i know it so why do i do it? The worst part of all this... because i love food.. i can eat a lot. So when i say a bad night i mean a whole little ceasars pizza and breadstix plus some candy all to one girl the moment she got off work. I literally worked for 5 hours got off, smoked a lot, smoke a cig, smoked a lot more, and ate and ate and ate. I was full i could tell but in my head for some reason i better finish it tonight cuz after "tonight" im going to be serious about this diet and never touch pizza again. Or at least for a while. The best part about the fact i ate the whole pizza to myself is when i went to go get it i had to pretend like i was getting it for multiple people. Honestly what fat person is going to go in and be like what do i want for dinner... hmmm... i'll take a large cheese and some breadstix. NONE. So naturally i pretended like i made the conscious decision that everyone likes cheese pizza and breadstix. And when the guy asked me if i wanted sauce to go along with my breadstix i said "hmm.. nahhh.. they dont need the sauce... it'll just be a mess." I really fooled him. And the moment the van was a block away i dug in before i even made it home. Well its a 25 min drive home and i didnt want it to get cold. And dont worry i didnt eat it all before i got home.. no way! I ate all the breadstix and about 4 pieces by the time i got home then finished the rest while on the phone with my sister and my favorite show on TV. Which by the way is Criminal Minds in case any of you cared or enjoy it as well. So what do you think of my progress? Alright well like usual i back peddaled quite a bit. But there is this really really cute boy that i like who actually hangs out with me that i want to impress.. and it's summer.. and of course i want to be healthy.. duh. And not to mention... i had my first show practice this last tuesday and guess who is the biggest in the group... this semi-fat chick. If its any consolation though.. theyre all still like 17 and under so their metabolism is just starting to deteriorate and when it does they are screwed cuz i see what they eat... and well though im not the best example.. i'm one of them.. and i started having trouble keeping it off around that age and now that im almost 20 i really should get a handle on things before it ruins my life. So here's to another day. Now because of last night i wont eat today. I know i know.. thats "bad for you" but honestly i ate enough last night im sure i have some extra calories that can be used like "roll over minutes" for a phone company. Ill just burn off the extra from yesterday like they were added today. Have a pleasant day and stay away from the pizza and breadstix.
-hellcoaster of a semi-fat chick

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

An ode to the past.

Hi. well i guess i might as well just go out and say it. it sucks being fat. and even worse than that.. it sucks being semi-fat. You know? Its like oh your super obese so heres this drug or sugery. But when your semi-fat its like heres an apple go run. I would know. Because i am that semi-fat chick. Im that girl who can hide her figure with baggy clothes to make you assume that i may have a nice body underneath but what you dont know is it's because the girl standing next to me who eats what ever the fuck she wants wearing half the clothes next to me taught me at a young age to be self conscience. On one hand you'd think that i should thank her. Being self conscious has taught me a lot of things in life. For example: binge eat your pain away then take laxatives or just dont eat for the next day or 2 and things will even out. Or hey you should just stop eating and enjoying life all together than you can be like me and boys will notice you. Theres only one problem i found with that lifestyle. although yes the boys did talk to me and for once in my life i wanted to be in that wretched 2 peice was that unless i kept up only eating 1000 calories a day and burning off more than that before school started that i would once again fill in those jeans with my huge ass thunder thighs and gross cottage chesse and bread roll stomach. which since then has come in quite nicely. I suppose i could go back to that lifestyle and be a skinny bitch and as much as id like to i simply cant. why? cuz i love food. i love trying different things. and now everytime i go on a diet i get that dam sugar tooth that spirals me back into my depressing semi-fat self that tries to convince myslef that hey im not half bad and that if i suck in this way while wearing this out fit i can look semi-not fat. Oh! i didnt even tell you the best part! I didnt tell you about the whole realization that i was headed towards a life of attempting to lose that "forbidden fifteen" for what seems like the rest of my life. I just happen to be a figure skater. Now doesnt that suck. Being the fattest girl in the ice show number. The one who actually uses the bathroom to change and that feels soo uncomfortable in her outfit that she pops every jump and travels every spin because instead of focusing on doing the thing she loves shes too worried about that audience member sitting 3rd row upper left in the green comparing her to prepubescent penny showing off her flat stomache and amazing quads muscles.
Now that we have  a basis for where i stand on an short introductory level lets be clear on what i mean about semi-fat. Im 5'6'' and weigh 150. now i know that doesnt sound terrible. but if you saw me naked you would agree. something has to change. and for someone who actually exercises (though not as much recently) and continuously tries different diets, natural and un-natural, to lose weight but simply cant i will say life sucks. and if you feel at least somewhere on the same page with me give me a whoot whoot. cuz its not just about the weight problem. its about the kid who did get the grades and did the extra curicular clubs and sports and still didnt get into the school of their dreams but they know someone who did only they cheated their way by never actually doing a piece of homework on their own. To that kid who didnt get picked for the team they were plenty good at but didnt have a particular coach during the previous season. Or to the kid who has everything it takes to make it to the top but they arent considered because they cant afford it. To that kid i say this is bullshit and even though were in this boat. were going to rock the shit out of it. till we can at least say we had fun.
heres to you.
- hellcoaster of a semi-fat chick.